Our Loss

On Wednesday I went to my regular prenatal check-up. Fortunately Kasey happened to have the day off and decided to come with me.(Hoping that maybe we would get to have the ultrasound, we have all been very anxious to find out the sex of the baby.) At the beginning of the office visit everything seemed to be going fine, until the doctor tried finding a heart beat. He tried and tried and I began to get nervous. He took us over to do an in office ultrasound. There was nothing but silence in the room. He found nothing beating, and suspected that the baby had had a cord injury. We were sent to the hospital for a more in depth ultrasound. Unfortunately the tech could only confirm what our doctor had thought. I had spoke to my doctor and had in the back of my mind prepared myself for a D&C. However, because of the length of my pregnancy being 18 weeks he told me that the baby would be to big to do that and that they needed to induce labor and prepare for a delivery. I was so shocked! A silent delivery is something that we had never had before. Within an hour of the ultrasound I was being prepped for the event. Having had three children before I kinda knew what to expect, at least what labor and delivery meant. Thank goodness that I didn't have to fully dilate, or have an epidural. After about 20 min of contractions my water broke and the baby soon followed. I couldn't look. I knew that I wasn't done and the doctor prepared me for the worst. The placenta wouldn't detach and I couldn't relax despite the drugs and the pain. It was really the worst part. After a few hours of rest and waiting for my mom to arrive, Kasey and I were finally brave enough to see our little boy. He was wrapped in a beautiful "angel" blanket that had been donated by a women's group here in St. George. We were given a keepsake card with his height, weight and hand and foot prints. Tiny, tiny is all I could think. He was 3.1 ounces and only 7.1 inches long. Long fingers and blue eyes just like our other kids. Kasey gave him a beautiful fathers blessing and that really helped us have some closer. I am so glad that our religious beliefs are that they we know in the hear after we will have the baby there to greet us and raise up too. Having this knowledge really helps with the grief. I just want everyone to know that we are doing OK, and in our minds we just say, "We thought we were going to have a baby, but we had a angel instead."